So, this is my 3rd post, obviously I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. This is a lot harder than it looks for sure. I read a lot of blogs, and have done tons of research. To no avail, so far I am getting 3-4 look-sees per post. The fighter in me says "Screw this, I'm just gonna keep on blabbing", but the bipolar insecure me says "Who cares? No one is interested." I think I am going to side with the fighter, might as well, eh?
My drive is to help people and to simply vent for my own sanity. I have never claimed to have all the answers to everything, but I have some pretty good guesses. I just found out I am bipolar about a year and a half ago, shrink says I have been like this my whole life, it just went misdiagnosed. Makes sense now that I look back on all of the stupidity that has happened ever since I can remember. WARNING: I am not medicated as of right now, so I am all over the place! One thing I am super good at is hiding it from my kids. If they are around, I fake it till I make it. The only mom they see is a happy, bubbly, goofy mom that loves them more than life itself and would do anything for them. Occasionally they will see a cranky mom, but they NEVER see a sad one.
I had Stretch when I was 17, he saw me cry while having a manic psycho episode when he was about 3. I didn't know what it was at the time, I just knew I was freaking out for no reason. I was in the corner of the bed in the fetal position just flipping out and my 3 year old walked in, looked at me, and laughed. Looking back, I know he wasn't laughing AT me per-say, but at the time, that simple little giggle that had and does bring me so much joy, devastated me. I thought at the time, surely my little angel hates me, why else would he laugh? I don't know what he was laughing at that day, he was 3, it could have been anything. Even now when I think about that day, it still hurts a little and I have to actively tell myself that he was not laughing at me and he didn't hate me that day, I'm his mom, he loves me, and a 3 year old doesn't have the capacity to hate anything. That was the one and only time either one of my kids (Dramatude has never seen it) have ever seen me be manic. Although, they have felt the after affects of the episodes, but not since I got the proper diagnosis.
Hubby and I have been together for almost 4 years so far, longest romantic relationship I've ever had, and I was married twice before. Yikes! I am so thankful that he has stuck around with all of the psycho moments and lapses of judgment I have had. He is not flawless by far, but he is the best in my eyes. I have left him and come back twice because of my mania. That's my thing, I start freaking out for no reason, and I run. It is a nasty by product of being bipolar for me, that has been a struggle. Now that I know why I get this overwhelming need to run due to made up scenarios in my head, I know how to deal with them and not run. We'll get more into that later. Suffice it to say, I am a hot mess, and my hubby loves me anyway. Score!
Oh dear that is no fun to be in a psychotic moment let alone to have a child come in on it. I think you may be pushing how you felt about the moment onto your child. I do not think he thought anything negative about the instance which is why he giggled. But him seeing you made you mad at yourself probably. But hey, it happens and u are only human. Damn Bipolar illness. Excellent post.
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