Big Fish Games

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Kicking Myself for Good Reason

Hello blogger world! I have been feeling better since I started the new medications, we shall see if it lasts this time though. Mostly level now, haven't been having the rapid cycles within a day, now the cycling is spread out more to daily where it's one or two moods in a day instead of 500.

Now down to the reason I am kicking myself. Stretch is 14, he has had several diagnoses in the mental health world. ADHD, ODD, Bipolar, just a "bad" kid. Now he is being looked at for High Functioning Autism / Asperger's Syndrome. Finally, an explanation for the past 14 years, the ups, the downs, and everything in between. This could be a turning point. I should have listened when he was 4. His pediatrician that gave him his first med for ADHD tried telling me that he is autistic. He tried telling me, and because I was young and ignorant, I refused it and continued on without giving it another thought. I didn't want to believe it. Autistic? My baby? No, not him. He hit all of his major milestones on time and sometimes early, hey was hyper, he was smart, he could talk, no way in hell was he autistic! Oh boy, how was I wrong, and it only took me 10 years to see it. Better late than never I suppose. Now I have his teachers and his current pediatrician telling me that they see what I have been so willfully blind to all these years. My poor son has an idiot for a mother. So, taking a crash course in high functioning autism. We are all just waiting for the official diagnosis to be made, then the roller coaster of re learning everything begins. Thankfully his special education teacher was sent from heaven, she is truly a godsend and I don't know what I would be doing without her.

Well, that is the update as of now. I will keep you guys posted!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Tra-la-la *OBSCENITIES* la-la-la

Ok, so I have started, deleted, and re-started this blog 3 different times trying to get all the buzz out of my head. Sometimes I think it's never going to go away. Boy has this been a crazy few weeks. It is so hard for me to remember things because of the bipolar and the constant racing thoughts, so if I repeat something that I have posted already I apologize, I know it is bound to happen, so I'm just putting that out there now. I never know where to start or when to stop, I have so many thoughts at once that it's torture, and the thoughts never stay for very long, they must not like me too much. I have been having a really.. and I mean REALLY.. hard time concentrating on anything for more than a couple of seconds, it's horrid and very detrimental to my writing sadly.

So went to meet the new head shrinker. He seemed nice, but it was super weird and kind of rushed. They put me in an almost bare room with a couple of chairs, a desk, and a big computer monitor. The doc was in a city about an hour and a half away, and we did the whole session (all of maybe 10 minutes) on Skype. Really? Is this some new-fangled thing that is common practice now? I did not like it at all, it made me very uncomfortable. He ended up telling me to take 200mg of Seroquel, but that the prescription would be Fed-Ex'd next day, so that was super weird too. Why couldn't he just call it in? Surely if he can Skype, he has a phone to call a pharmacy with. Not too sure this place is going to work out. Still haven't met the therapist yet, I'll meet her Friday. This should be fun. I'm agoraphobic and bipolar. I was told at my intake that they would work with me and they would not push me out of my comfort zone right away and they would work with me to get me to that point, and this is so totally what they are not doing. Here goes the distrust with yet another mental health facility that claims to help on your terms but what they really mean is we will feed you a line of shit that we think you want to hear at the moment and just do what we want anyway. I am just so over the bullshit of being sick already! Everything is torturous and painful anymore.

So with Stretch, that is escalating quickly too. He has a full evaluation set up for November, he is bipolar as well but he has major I-want-to-burn-the-world-to-ash rage too, and he's a tree, so it's scary. Took him to his primary to get  a refill on the meds that aren't working because we are in transition between shrinks and found out that he is developing high blood pressure. FML.. He is only 14 years old! This is crazy, and as a mom, frankly, it is scaring the shit out of me. I can barely hold myself together, and dealing with him is no picnic. Pasta knows I love my son with everything in me, and I will do anything it takes, but it is so very hard. I am just drained at this point. If we don't get some relief soon I see pretty padded rooms and the oh-so-lovely hug yourself coats in the future, no bueno.


I have wanted to be an author since I can remember. Unfortunately I have the attention span of a goldfish on crack, so it hasn't worked out as well as I envisioned it would when I was little. I have so many book ideas floating around I can't keep up. So, what do you think? Is my writing style book worthy? Should I just hang that dream out to dry? Let me know. Thanks for reading!