I Quit!! I don't want to play this game anymore!!!

Ok, so the past 2 days have been complete FML days for sure. It started on Thursday with another war with my cable company, All. F-ing. Day. Long. Ridiculous. Resort Cable TV is a joke. They are over priced, their customer service is rude and unaccommodating, they charge you for THEIR screw ups, and they are super quick to hit that disconnect button when you disagree with them on anything. They are the only cable company in the area, so they have the market cornered and they know it, so they take advantage of their customers because they know the customers have no other choice. THIS COMPANY IS A JOKE!!!

Then yesterday, my son and I had an appointment with our therapist (again the only one in town). Now keep in mind I am BP and agoraphobic, so it's hard for me to go anywhere for anything. We get there and it's a madhouse. Trigger #1, can't do crowds at all. We get into the counselor's office and start talking. I ask her to check my son for IED (intermittent explosive disorder), and tell her that I am ready to try a new med for my BP finally after the last one tried to kill me. First off we are focusing on my son, we are discussing his symptoms and outbursts. Then the counselor mentions DHS, instant hardcore panic attack ensues, paper bag and all. Once I was through the panic attack, she explains what she meant. She didn't mean that she wanted to call them, she meant that if it gets dangerous for my daughter then she will have to. Understandable, but not necessary. I will not leave the two of them alone, so the risk of her getting hurt is slim to none. By the end of the appointment, Doc said that she wants to review our files and carefully figure out what kind of treatment she wants to go with. She also told my son that she is giving him 2 weeks to start the treatment and try to get himself under control, and if he can't or won't she is going to admit him to the psych ward. FML not this again. He was in the hospital twice when he was little, about 5 or 6, and it was really hard for both of us. So, she wants me to come back in Tuesday without the kids to go over the treatments that she has decided on. Ugh, have to leave the house yet again.. I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point.

Last night I was telling hubby about the new diagnosis for Stretch, and everything that happened at the Dr office. *NOTE* Hubby is mentally healthy, he is one of the "normals". So I'm telling him how we need to start educating ourselves on IED since it is new to us, and we get into a fight. He starts spouting the "you can control it if you choose to" bullsnit. Saying that you choose weather you want to control it or not. OMG I flipped out. All I was saying was that we need to educate ourselves and learn how to better deal with his outbursts. I wasn't trying to make excuses, I wasn't saying that he gets a pass on every negative behavior, all I was trying to say was that we need to learn how to deal with the outbursts he has due to his illness differently because obviously what we have been doing IS NOT WORKING!!! Then, I get frustrated because I'm apparently not explaining myself right to where he understands, and I put my hands to my face and growl, hubby then says "see, that's where he gets it from".. Flip out number 2... I started screaming at him. "You don't understand!!! You will never understand because you got lucky and you don't struggle with your brain EVERY F-ING DAY!!" I wanted to choke him last night! I excuse some of his attitude towards it because he really doesn't know what we go through, so there is no way he can fully understand and sympathize. On the other hand, his mind is not open enough to consider other possibilities and opinions other than his own, and trying to educate him on mental illness is like trying to pull teeth with no tools, very difficult but possible. We eventually understood each other to a point and the fight calms down, but it still bothers me. I don't know how to make him understand that the symptoms are treatable and controlable to a point, but it is never cured, and those that have mental illnesses don't have a choice. They have a choice to get treatment and try to control it, but they don't have a choice on having the mental illness.

So, that is my rant. Feels good to get it out, just wish getting it out would take away the frustration of it all.

A Busy Fog

This past week has been hectic. I am now an admin on 3 Facebook pages, and I am working on promoting my brother's business. I am so scatter brained, having trouble finding quality content to post for the pages, and spacing out. Maybe I am finding ok content and just second guessing myself, I don't know. The kids are good and hubby is content, so that hasn't went haywire yet. I have met a few quality people online last week, I hope I can keep and grow these new friendships. I get so tired all the time, maybe it's a down swing, maybe it's something else. Only pasta knows.

Speaking of pasta, I am by no means religious. I think organized religion is a joke. Do I believe there is a God or "higher power"? Sure, why not? That is more comforting to think than the alternative. However, I do not believe that what organized religion teaches and preaches is 100% accurate all of the time. I am just rambling at this point, so I will shelf that discussion for another time when my head is clear and I can form a sentence that makes sense.

Not being on medication is interesting, and torture all at the same time. It's interesting because when you wake up in the morning, you never know which you you're going to get, or how many in one day. At the same time though, it is torture not knowing that. You feel out of control. Up, down, up, down.. when does it end? It's exhausting! I have a psych appointment on Friday, I'm going to take the dive and try a new medication. The last one I tried, Lamictal, that one tried to kill me. It landed me in the hospital. Scary stuff, so hopefully I find one that works this time, wish me luck.