Big Fish Games

Thursday, August 29, 2013

All. Over. The. Place! UGH! YAY! Really brain?

I have been busier than usual. Opened several different projects, plus dealing with kids, hubby, house, and a way over active thought process. Yep, you guessed it! Another 5 million tabs open and 5 more notebooks added to the mix! It never ends! But, it makes for an interesting day.

Being home alone with my thoughts can be torture. I talk to myself a lot, especially when I have a lot going on, I have to. If I don't then I get side tracked and forget everything. So, my rockstar brother is trying to start up a music production company, and he has asked me to help promote and bring in new clients. So honored that he had enough faith in me to ask, and more than happy to help. (shameless plug here :) ) Anyway, this has given me something else to focus on during the day when I'm by myself. So far it's fun!

I joined a page on facebook recently that has helped me some, had a great morning with one of the admins during an upswing. I have fun with the upswings, but when I come down from one I get a killer headache.

Dramatude and Stretch are doing good, week 2 of school and I am already worrying about grades and missing assignments. Not so much with Dramatude yet, but Stretch is already starting his crap, and we are even bribing him with an Xbox at the end of the year if he earns all A's and B's for the entire year. I don't get kids sometimes. It's not like when I was growing up when you actually had to use your brain for school. Sometimes I think technology is more of a hindrance in schools than a help. Now, they make the kids use calculators, I was never allowed to use one!! Had to use my brain. Don't get me started on this, lol, it will never end.

Now to deal with the local cable company. The customer service lines for Resort Cable are a joke! If you have an issue, the reps are ill equipped to handle and fix it. They charge for things that should not be charged for, they never have answers for anything, and more times than not, they are incredibly rude. What this company needs to do is educate their customer service reps not only on their policies and procedures, but educate them on customer service! I know, crazy suggestion. Psh. So, after dealing with the incompetence, I had to contact the VP of the company. Ahh, sweet results :)

Friday, August 23, 2013

Scatter-brain (And it's a good day!)

This morning I woke up at the usual time, one eye open, searching for my go juice (coffee). Nothing happens, not even conversation, until I have had at least one cup of go juice. After that first cup today it was go time, yep, it's a mania day!! I am on one of my rare, but sometimes welcome, high swings.. here we go. I have been all over the place this morning! Cleaning, taking care of my plants, getting Stretch, Dramatude, and Hubby off to school and work, and brainstorming for this blog. With brainstorming there is a downside, I suddenly can't stay focused on one idea. I get an idea, do some research, the research spawns another idea, do some research on that, and that horrid cycle continues until I have 5,972 tabs open and hundreds more written down on a notepad so I don't forget, if I don't write it down, I WILL forget, and that sucks, because some of my ideas are genius to me.

Anyway, I wanted to talk a little about my personal support system today, and at the end of this another amusing moment from the chronicles of Dramatude. O-K.. 123 and GO! My very close support system, my rocks, consist of now 3 people (it was 4 but 1 passed away in 2010).. my "cuzister" she is truly an angel in disguise in my eyes, she has saved me from myself so many times without even knowing it. She has been my rock since my aunt died, before that she was still one of my rocks, but since that happened, she has become not just a rock, but an entire mountain side that I can lean on. She is always there for me no matter what, she knows I'm totally PCL (psycho crazy loon) but she loves me anyway, and even though she doesn't have the disorders I do, somehow she understands me completely and I have no clue how she does it. I love, cherish, and appreciate her more than she will ever know! #2 is one of my rocker brothers, he struggles just like I do and worse, but we lean on each other frequently, and he knows exactly what I go through because he goes through it to. He is a very important part of my support system, when I don't make sense to the rest of the world, I make sense to him. I love and respect the man he has become, when it comes to mental health, he is truly my inspiration that everything is going to be ok no matter what. #3 is my step mom. She is an amazing lady with an amazing heart. We have had our struggles, but she is a very important part of support too. She is another angel in disguise (although her horns hold her halo up sometimes, hehe). I don't know what I would do without these three very important people, I feel so damn fortunate to have them in my life.

Chronicles of Dramatude

So, last night while telling the kids goodnight and tucking them in Dramatude was in the other room saying goodnight to dad and I was in Stretch's room talking to him. I told him "You know, I love you to the moon and back" He looks at me and says "That's not really that far" I told him "Fine, to the edge of outer space and back" Then we started discussing how far that was, and this is when Dramatude walks in. When she walks in she says "Well that's not too far, it's over by Benton" and me and Stretch started laughing hysterically. Benton is a town that's about 30 miles from where we live. She does this all the time, she will put her two cents in having absolutely no clue what the conversation was about in the first place. HAHA gotta love her...

Nod If You Hear Me a Bipolar Blog: Aching Heart

Nod If You Hear Me a Bipolar Blog: Aching Heart This girl is amazing! Love her blog, check it out!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

From the depths of the couch..

Late post today, low day. Have dinner in the oven now and Stretch and Dramatude are home. Due to that this will probably be a short post. Last night I was so stressed out I did a bad thing. I was screaming at Stretch, in his face, telling him that I am going to die from an aneurysm, or a stroke, or a heart attack because of him. I know that should have never even came out of my mouth, and I feel horrible about it. This is why I blew up : he treats his sister in the most hateful nasty manner I have ever seen in my life, all the time, and I'm way over my tolerance limit with it. I know a lot will tell me "Oh, it's just sibling rivalry, loosen up." -No- this goes way beyond sibling  rivalry. I have siblings, I know very well that it's not always rainbows and sunshine and they will not always get along. I don't know what to do about it, he has hated her since she was born and it kills me. So, after my blow up,I apologized to Stretch, and I made them sit down and talk about their feelings in relation to each other. I didn't know what else to do.

On a lighter note, I was doing a load of laundry last night and Dramatude asked me "Does dad fart dust?" I laughed so hard. Hubby sweats a lot so he uses powder to keep from chaffing. Dramatude saw his shorts as I was loading the laundry.

On the bipolar front, today is a low day. I sat on the couch and spaced out most of the day and tried not to think. I tooled around on the internet a bit, joined a couple support groups. Not an exciting day, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Harder than it looks

So, this is my 3rd post, obviously I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. This is a lot harder than it looks for sure. I read a lot of blogs, and have done tons of research. To no avail, so far I am getting 3-4 look-sees per post. The fighter in me says "Screw this, I'm just gonna keep on blabbing",  but the bipolar insecure me says "Who cares? No one is interested." I think I am going to side with the fighter, might as well, eh?

My drive is to help people and to simply vent for my own sanity. I have never claimed to have all the answers to everything, but I have some pretty good guesses. I just found out I am bipolar about a year and a half ago, shrink says I have been like this my whole life, it just went misdiagnosed. Makes sense now that I look back on all of the stupidity that has happened ever since I can remember. WARNING: I am not medicated as of right now, so I am all over the place! One thing I am super good at is hiding it from my kids. If they are around, I fake it till I make it. The only mom they see is a happy, bubbly, goofy mom that loves them more than life itself and would do anything for them. Occasionally they will see a cranky mom, but they NEVER see a sad one.

I had Stretch when I was 17, he saw me cry while having a manic psycho episode when he was about 3. I didn't know what it was at the time, I just knew I was freaking out for no reason. I was in the corner of the bed in the fetal position just flipping out and my 3 year old walked in, looked at me, and laughed. Looking back, I know he wasn't laughing AT me per-say, but at the time, that simple little giggle that had and does bring me so much joy, devastated me. I thought at the time, surely my little angel hates me, why else would he laugh? I don't know what he was laughing at that day, he was 3, it could have been anything. Even now when I think about that day, it still hurts a little and I have to actively tell myself that he was not laughing at me and he didn't hate me that day, I'm his mom, he loves me, and a 3 year old doesn't have the capacity to hate anything. That was the one and only time either one of my kids (Dramatude has never seen it) have ever seen me be manic. Although, they have felt the after affects of the episodes, but not since I got the proper diagnosis.

Hubby and I have been together for almost 4 years so far, longest romantic relationship I've ever had, and I was married twice before. Yikes! I am so thankful that he has stuck around with all of the psycho moments and lapses of judgment I have had. He is not flawless by far, but he is the best in my eyes. I have left him and come back twice because of my mania. That's my thing, I start freaking out for no reason, and I run. It is a nasty by product of being bipolar for me, that has been a struggle. Now that I know why I get this overwhelming need to run due to made up scenarios in my head, I know how to deal with them and not run. We'll get more into that later. Suffice it to say, I am a hot mess, and my hubby loves me anyway. Score!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Kids are back to school = Back to the drawing board

I apologize for taking so long to post again. I have had a bit of writers block, it has been a long time since I have written on a regular basis. As I said in my previous post, I'm new to this and don't really know what everyone wants to read, so any comments and/or suggestions are welcome and greatly appreciated. Stretch and Dramatude went back to school yesterday (yay) so now I have 8 hours to fully dedicate to my writing Monday through Friday. So, let's just jump in head first, shall we?

Family Relations

I love my immediate family (hubby and mini-monsters) no questions asked, my extended family though, that is a whole other ball game. There are few blood related people in my life that I can stomach, and that saddens me deeply, but it is what it is. I don't really go along with the old adage "You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family" because for the most part, I have picked my family (most of them), or at least picked those who I consider family. Biologically, without going back too far in my lineage, I have 1 mom, 1 dad, 4 half-brothers, 1 half-sister, 5 uncles (3 alive), and 4 aunts (3 alive). Now, the way I see it, I have 2 moms (bio & step), 1 dad (step), 3 brothers (2 half, 1 no blood), 3 sisters (2 no blood, 1 technically a distant cousin), 1 uncle, and 1 aunt (she died in 2010).

The reason I went through all of that is because I want to stress that family is not necessarily who you are related to by blood. I am a very dark "black sheep" in my technical family, have been for as long as I can remember, and I would not be the person I am today or gotten through what I have, if it weren't for my family that I have hand picked. Even though I have my hand picked family though, I still feel alone all the freaking time. I talk to them all on occasion, some more than others, but I don't live near any of them so I never see them.

Moral of the story is if you have a crappy family, pick your own. Family isn't defined by bloodlines anymore, you define who and what your family is. Trust me, you will have less drama and be more sane if you do.

Politically correct-- or not?

There are so many topics to touch on in this category it's hard to know where to start. Oh! I know! Let's start with some things that just chap my ass. Willful ignorance is a HUGE one for me!! First, if you are one that is willfully ignorant when it comes to the LGBT community, you sir/ma'am are an idiot, and that is being nice. I am a straight female, however, I fully support the effort for equal rights. Everyone needs love, period. My hubby and I are polar opposites on this subject along with many others. He is a conservative republican *insert eye roll here* and I am a liberal. Not a likely match, but we make it work. I tell him all the time, "Go ahead, choose to like dudes" he says "I don't want to"... that is one of the many points there are. YOU CAN NOT SIMPLY CHOOSE to be gay or straight, and to think that you can is absurd. To the ones who say " I guess it's fine that you're gay, just don't marry or raise children"-- would you get in line at Subway and berate someone for not ordering the same sub as you and try to stop them from getting what they want? "No" you say? Well, why not? Hmm.. think about that for a moment, and then tell me how that scenario is any different than you telling someone they can't get married and have a family, just like you, just because it's not what you would prefer for yourself. Sounds silly doesn't it? This is a big debate between the hubby and I, and it makes me see red. If you would care to differ in your opinion, by all means, comment and we shall discuss. That is all for now on that, on to the next.

Medical marijuana, this is a very tricky debate. Both sides have valid (sometimes) concerns. Personally, I don't smoke pot, but I used to, so I am not naive. Most everyone I know has or still does smoke it. I don't think it should be legal for recreational use, but I do believe with all my heart and soul that the medical benefits are countless. My mom is epileptic, she has smoked it my whole life. I have seen what happens first hand when she doesn't, she has life threatening grand mal seizures. My beloved aunt died 6 months after her diagnosis of cancer, had she not smoked pot, she would have died quicker and in more pain. Those are only two examples from millions. Ask yourself this, if your mom, dad, husband, wife, heavens forbid your child, or anyone you care about gets sick, and not only the doctors but everyone else that has a functioning brain cell told you that the only thing that was going to give them some kind of relief was marijuana, would you deny them that relief just because it's "the dreaded and evil pot"? If you do, you are a twisted, torture loving monster. The benefits are endless in a medical situation. Going through chemo and can't eat? Go hit a joint a couple times, you will be able to eat then :)

Guns, oh my geez, guns. Really people? Would you ban all writing utensils for all the misspelled words in the world? No? Then why in the world would you ban guns because of the gun deaths? THIS LOGIC MAKES NO SENSE!! The misspelled word is the idiots fault behind the pencil, just like the gun death is the psycho's fault behind the gun!!! It is that simple!! Make the background checks more efficient to include mental health history, require a medical professional signature. There is food for thought. I don't own a gun, but I also don't think that owning a gun is wrong. If someone I love, or I gets shot, it's not the guns fault, it was doing what it was designed to do, shoot a bullet. The blame would be on the one who pulled the trigger, it wasn't a malfunction on the guns part. As for kids shooting kids, that is also the gun owner's fault, not the kids or the guns. Children need to be educated, take bags for instance. Everyone owns a bag or two right? A child is taught not to put the bag on their face/head and not to do that to anyone else, or it could result in them getting hurt or killed right? So, by the logic that is being used by the anti-gun people, we should outlaw bags? Yes, it is that simple, and it does sound that stupid.


Now that I got all of that out,  I will conclude with this : Don't be a douche. Educate yourself. Ignorance is not bliss, it makes you look stupid.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Awkward first blog post... done!

So, this is the blog world. Opinions are many, and facts are always up for interpretation depending on who they come from. Being as this is my first post, you may be asking yourself, why am I reading this? Why do I care what some chick that is just a stay at home mom and wife has to say? What is soo special about this blog that is going to set it apart from the rest? Well, I can't give you a specific answer to those questions because, well, I'm not you. What I can do though, is try to write as best as I can and make this (hopefully) a healthy combination of entertainment, help, insight, and information.

I have a wide range of interests, things that just tick me off to the tenth power, make me cry, make me laugh, make me say "WTF", and much much more. In this blog I will touch on everything, and everything is open to discussion. I am who I am, whoever that is. Also, critics beware, I don't care what you think of me or my opinion, I have been through hell and back in my life, as long as your criticisms are respectful and address the content and not me personally, we will get along just fine.

Now, a bit about me. I am 31 years old as of today, but if anyone asks I'm only 29 ;) I have 2 kids, a 14 year old boy we will call Stretch, and a 10 year old girl we will call Dramatude. My son just turned 14 in June and he is roughly 6f 1in (I am only about 5-3), that is why I call him Stretch, and my darling daughter is 10 going on 20, she has an attitude that won't quit, and has a flair for the dramatic, therefore, Dramatude. I have been through a lot in my life, I will get into all of it I'm sure at one point or another. My husband is great, he makes me laugh, treats me good, and sometimes I would love for his face to get intimate with my fist, but I love him just the same and wouldn't trade him for the world. I am an open book, ask and I will tell. I absolutely can not stand liars, and two faced fake people. I am Bipolar (no, really, not joking about that one) my upswings aren't very up, and my downswings are the worst. I am a smart ass, and sometimes my words get me into trouble. I get anxiety attacks when I leave my house most of the time, which makes things difficult at times.

I am here to offer support, advice, maybe a laugh or two, and just all around to talk to people. So let me know what you want to talk about.. nothing is off limits! I will do my best to post daily. So until next time, don't do anything I wouldn't do.. oh wait, you don't know what that is yet... Have to keep you on your toes!