Stretch is now 15, with Asperger's and bipolar like his momma. The hubs is a narcissistic man. If we aren't the trio from the world of difficult, I don't know what is. Stretch has been on this Ebay kick wanting to sell all of his stuff (mostly broken) and I keep trying to tell him that it's not that simple, but oh no, he knows better than me. When I put my foot down and tell him to stop because he doesn't understand how it works, and nobody is going to buy broken stuff, he gets mad at me like I just killed a puppy or something. Hubs doesn't know about the Ebay kick Stretch is on. There are just some things that it's better that he doesn't know.
I have learned that when dealing with hubs, I have to get the kid gloves out along with the candy coating. The best way that I've learned to deal with him is to make him think he's in control and everything is his idea. That's the best I can do for now. My therapist is helping me with ideas to help too.
My mom is another worry of mine. A couple of weeks ago she kept getting dizzy and falling and hitting her head. Then last week she had a seizure (grand mal) because she forgot to take her meds for a few days, so her Dilantin levels were 0. This time my brother was there to see how bad she is. I've been trying to tell him for over a year and I don't know if he didn't believe me or what, but he never took me seriously. Now that he's seen her for himself, he is concerned. I don't think my mom has a whole lot of time left, and because of her health, there is no company that will insure her for life insurance. Yesterday though, I was telling my therapist about all of this and she had a genius idea. She said to get a hold of a crematorium or funeral home after speaking to my brother about it, and start making payments on cremation now, that way when she does pass it won't be such a financial burden for me since I am the eldest of her children and the next of kin. Great idea! Morbid to think about and do, but I can't get life insurance on her, so that is the only option I have.
Showing posts with label Chronicles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chronicles. Show all posts
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Some articles I found helpful for dealing with a narcissist.
In my previous couple of posts, I have been talking about the hubs being a narcissist and how to deal with him, because I do love him and our family together, so for me, giving up is not an option. I am actually very surprised at the volume of articles and documents that I have waded through that have said to just leave. To me that is the cowards way out and not a solution at all, UNLESS there is abuse present in the relationship, then by all means, yes, run as fast as you can. Here are 3 sites that gave some positive coping and resolution suggestions, 2 of the sources surprised me, and I think they will surprise you too.
1. http://www.idiotsguides.com/static/quickguides/selfhelp/coping-with-a-narcissistic-partner-or-spouse.html
2. http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Narcissistic-Husband
3. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/27/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist/
These were the first 3 that I found helpful. I will keep looking and researching though because just 3 sites for suggestions don't cut it for me.
1. http://www.idiotsguides.com/static/quickguides/selfhelp/coping-with-a-narcissistic-partner-or-spouse.html
2. http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Narcissistic-Husband
3. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/27/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist/
These were the first 3 that I found helpful. I will keep looking and researching though because just 3 sites for suggestions don't cut it for me.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Narcissistic spouse articles online.
Last night I spent a good hour or so clicking on Google links for the narcissistic spouse search and reading the articles. To be frank, a lot of them really ticked me off. Even the ones from "psychology" sites gave me no hope or guidance. Most of them said "run" or that the narcissistic spouse is "usually" physically abusive, so just cut and dry leave the relationship. This made me see red! How can someone write an article that is meant to help people deal with difficult relationships, tell them that there is no hope so just leave? How is that a solution? Breaking families apart due to something that is so workable? I'm not saying that dealing with a narcissist is easy by no means, but don't break your family apart just because you happen to be married to one. Learn ways to cope, and work on your relationship together. As I have said before though, narcissists need to be handled with kid gloves due to their huge egos.
My suggestions according to what I have learned is to make them think they are the one that came up with the idea (works wonders with my hubs). On the rare occasion that they do give you credit for something, and I know this may sound counter productive, but thank them for the credit making sure that they look better by giving you the credit. Like I said HUGE EGOS, plus they are men, so that's a double whammy.
All in all, there is still a lot of research I need to do. I will keep you guys posted with any tricks or tips I find along the way
Friday, June 27, 2014
The bipolar and the narcissist relationship.
I know I am bipolar with panic attacks and anxiety as side dishes. Wonderful I know, and I also know that I am not the only one. With my weekly therapy sessions, and the discord in my family with my bipolar/asbergers son and my what I now know to be a narcissist spouse, things are getting difficult. My therapist pointed out a while ago that she thought my hubby was a narcissist, I had heard the word, but didn't really know what that meant. She explained to me that narcissistic people are about themselves, they can love, but on their terms. Hubby never admits if I'm right on anything. My therapist basically said that I have to make everything sound like his idea, and handle him with kid gloves. It's not fair to me or my son. We all love each other as a family though, so I have to learn how to keep peace in the house without going even crazier myself.
So, the first thing I did was look it up on the online dictionary that I use, it has 4 different uses/definitions.
So, the first thing I did was look it up on the online dictionary that I use, it has 4 different uses/definitions.
- Excessive love or admiration of oneself.
- A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self esteem.
- Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.
- The attribute of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits.
The one that best fits my situation is number 2. If I were to try to bring this up to hubs he would deny it (therapist says this is normal). So I'm stuck with learning how to live with someone like him and teaching my son how to handle him. The latter is going to be harder because of his issues. There is a plethora of information that just a simple Google search comes up with, so there's lots of reading to do. I will keep you abreast of what I learn about my journey in learning about something I know nothing about at this point.
Wish me luck....
Thursday, December 12, 2013
An Excruciating Blast from the Past
So, I have been exploring my writing more and more every day. It soothes me. Verbal vomit can be your best friend at times, or it can be your worst enemy. Either way, it's good to get it all out. I remembered a blog that I had started back in late 2010, surprising as it has been long forgotten. With this writing binge I've been on, I went back to that long forgotten blog. It wasn't very impressive, maybe 5 posts at best, looking back at it though, I had written it at one of my darkest times. At that point I had not been diagnosed with anything, so I didn't really know how dark I was. I want to give you an excerpt of something that was so profound to me that even to this very day, I can not read it without tears flowing.
" In May of 2010 my Aunt (Auntie), who is my best friend and my mother for all intents and purposes, was diagnosed with lung cancer. This absolutely devastated me. I tried to stay optimistic, especially when I talked to her on the phone. She lived in Arkansas and I lived in Michigan. The truth of the matter though was that a part of me inside was dying right along with her as I knew this disease was eating her alive. My other aunt was taking care of her, back and forth to doctors and what not. This killed me, I wanted to be there so badly, but due to finances, kids, and work I was unable to do anything but talk to her on the phone. She fought so hard with the treatments and she always had a smile on her face regardless of how much pain she was in. The treatments worked to a point. The mass in her lungs went away, but not before it spread into her brain, bones, and adrenal glands. There was nothing anyone could do for her but to make sure that she was comfortable and happy. In the beginning of October I had finally gotten the money up to go see her. I called her and told her to hang on a couple more weeks and I would be down there to see her (for what I knew would be the last time). That was on a Friday. Saturday, I talked to her again on the phone and I could barely understand what she was saying, the only thing I could make out was "I love you". My other aunt then got on the phone and said that she had taken a turn for the worse and I should get down there sooner than I had made plans for. That following Monday, she was taken to the hospital because she was swelling in her arms and feet, aspirating, and hardly responsive. By late Monday night, she was in hospice, resting with a morphine drip and no pain. My other aunt called me at midnight and told me to come now, it was time. Tuesday morning, I sent my kids off to school like it was a normal day and started making preparations for an emergency road trip. By about six o'clock that evening we were on the road headed to Arkansas. We got there at about ten the next morning. I met my aunt at her house and had a cup of coffee, after that we went to the hospital. When I walked into the room, I broke down. The woman that I had loved my whole life, the one who hung the moon in my eyes, had wasted away. The treatments had taken all of her hair, and reduced her to skin and bones. Being as she was in hospice, there were no monitors beeping, or ventilators swooshing. Just an oxygen tube by her nose and an IV for her morphine. I stayed with her all day and most of the night until my husband talked me into going back to the house to take a shower and get some rest. Not an hour after we got to the house, hospice called. "Shes marbling" they said, "Shes starting to die" they said. We rushed back to the hospital. When we got there she was stable again and she was not about to die, yet. After that scare, I refused to leave her side, I took it as a sign saying that she needed me there with her, we were the most important thing in each others lives. Everyone else went home to get some much needed sleep. I talked to her through the night, she seemed to hear me because when I spoke to her, she would move, but that was it. She had a guest book in her room that people signed and said some beautiful things to her and about her, I figured it was my turn. I wrote how sorry I was for not being there for her sooner, and how much I would regret that for the rest of my life, and how even though my mother (her sister) is still alive and well, she was my mom, she was my everything and I didn't know how I was going to live without her but me and the kids would be OK and I would make her proud. When I was done writing it I read it to her while I held her hand and wiped away my own tears. I wished so badly that she would just open her eyes and wrap her arms around me, all she did was take a deep breath and squeeze my hand. Then I knew that she heard me. After that I held her hand, not letting go, I wanted her to feel that I was there, and I dozed off. I have no clue how long I was asleep for, all I know is that I woke up with this incredibly strong, indescribable fear that engulfed me like I was being sucked into a black hole. I had to take a break. I went out into the hall, went outside to smoke (stupid under the circumstance, I know). After I had regained my composure, I went back to her bedside to hold her hand for however long she needed me. The morning came and people started coming in again, saying their I'm sorrys, and saying how good of a person she was, and how they loved her, and telling stories about her. I wanted to scream at them and tell them to get out, to stop touching her, to leave us alone. I knew though that she would not have wanted me to act like that, she had taught me better than that. They were just there being nice, but all I could do is cry, and berate them silently for having seen her when I couldn't. She took her last breath October 28, 2010 at 4:40pm. I was still holding her hand. "
This was the most terrifying and debilitating thing that had ever happened to me. I promised that I would make her proud, and since her death I have rotted away myself. Wishing every day to be with her. I have done nothing. This is why I have decided to write. Maybe if I can write and help even just one person, I can make her proud. When I get depressed, my thoughts always turn to her. Today is one of those days.
" In May of 2010 my Aunt (Auntie), who is my best friend and my mother for all intents and purposes, was diagnosed with lung cancer. This absolutely devastated me. I tried to stay optimistic, especially when I talked to her on the phone. She lived in Arkansas and I lived in Michigan. The truth of the matter though was that a part of me inside was dying right along with her as I knew this disease was eating her alive. My other aunt was taking care of her, back and forth to doctors and what not. This killed me, I wanted to be there so badly, but due to finances, kids, and work I was unable to do anything but talk to her on the phone. She fought so hard with the treatments and she always had a smile on her face regardless of how much pain she was in. The treatments worked to a point. The mass in her lungs went away, but not before it spread into her brain, bones, and adrenal glands. There was nothing anyone could do for her but to make sure that she was comfortable and happy. In the beginning of October I had finally gotten the money up to go see her. I called her and told her to hang on a couple more weeks and I would be down there to see her (for what I knew would be the last time). That was on a Friday. Saturday, I talked to her again on the phone and I could barely understand what she was saying, the only thing I could make out was "I love you". My other aunt then got on the phone and said that she had taken a turn for the worse and I should get down there sooner than I had made plans for. That following Monday, she was taken to the hospital because she was swelling in her arms and feet, aspirating, and hardly responsive. By late Monday night, she was in hospice, resting with a morphine drip and no pain. My other aunt called me at midnight and told me to come now, it was time. Tuesday morning, I sent my kids off to school like it was a normal day and started making preparations for an emergency road trip. By about six o'clock that evening we were on the road headed to Arkansas. We got there at about ten the next morning. I met my aunt at her house and had a cup of coffee, after that we went to the hospital. When I walked into the room, I broke down. The woman that I had loved my whole life, the one who hung the moon in my eyes, had wasted away. The treatments had taken all of her hair, and reduced her to skin and bones. Being as she was in hospice, there were no monitors beeping, or ventilators swooshing. Just an oxygen tube by her nose and an IV for her morphine. I stayed with her all day and most of the night until my husband talked me into going back to the house to take a shower and get some rest. Not an hour after we got to the house, hospice called. "Shes marbling" they said, "Shes starting to die" they said. We rushed back to the hospital. When we got there she was stable again and she was not about to die, yet. After that scare, I refused to leave her side, I took it as a sign saying that she needed me there with her, we were the most important thing in each others lives. Everyone else went home to get some much needed sleep. I talked to her through the night, she seemed to hear me because when I spoke to her, she would move, but that was it. She had a guest book in her room that people signed and said some beautiful things to her and about her, I figured it was my turn. I wrote how sorry I was for not being there for her sooner, and how much I would regret that for the rest of my life, and how even though my mother (her sister) is still alive and well, she was my mom, she was my everything and I didn't know how I was going to live without her but me and the kids would be OK and I would make her proud. When I was done writing it I read it to her while I held her hand and wiped away my own tears. I wished so badly that she would just open her eyes and wrap her arms around me, all she did was take a deep breath and squeeze my hand. Then I knew that she heard me. After that I held her hand, not letting go, I wanted her to feel that I was there, and I dozed off. I have no clue how long I was asleep for, all I know is that I woke up with this incredibly strong, indescribable fear that engulfed me like I was being sucked into a black hole. I had to take a break. I went out into the hall, went outside to smoke (stupid under the circumstance, I know). After I had regained my composure, I went back to her bedside to hold her hand for however long she needed me. The morning came and people started coming in again, saying their I'm sorrys, and saying how good of a person she was, and how they loved her, and telling stories about her. I wanted to scream at them and tell them to get out, to stop touching her, to leave us alone. I knew though that she would not have wanted me to act like that, she had taught me better than that. They were just there being nice, but all I could do is cry, and berate them silently for having seen her when I couldn't. She took her last breath October 28, 2010 at 4:40pm. I was still holding her hand. "
This was the most terrifying and debilitating thing that had ever happened to me. I promised that I would make her proud, and since her death I have rotted away myself. Wishing every day to be with her. I have done nothing. This is why I have decided to write. Maybe if I can write and help even just one person, I can make her proud. When I get depressed, my thoughts always turn to her. Today is one of those days.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Kicking Myself for Good Reason
Hello blogger world! I have been feeling better since I started the new medications, we shall see if it lasts this time though. Mostly level now, haven't been having the rapid cycles within a day, now the cycling is spread out more to daily where it's one or two moods in a day instead of 500.
Now down to the reason I am kicking myself. Stretch is 14, he has had several diagnoses in the mental health world. ADHD, ODD, Bipolar, just a "bad" kid. Now he is being looked at for High Functioning Autism / Asperger's Syndrome. Finally, an explanation for the past 14 years, the ups, the downs, and everything in between. This could be a turning point. I should have listened when he was 4. His pediatrician that gave him his first med for ADHD tried telling me that he is autistic. He tried telling me, and because I was young and ignorant, I refused it and continued on without giving it another thought. I didn't want to believe it. Autistic? My baby? No, not him. He hit all of his major milestones on time and sometimes early, hey was hyper, he was smart, he could talk, no way in hell was he autistic! Oh boy, how was I wrong, and it only took me 10 years to see it. Better late than never I suppose. Now I have his teachers and his current pediatrician telling me that they see what I have been so willfully blind to all these years. My poor son has an idiot for a mother. So, taking a crash course in high functioning autism. We are all just waiting for the official diagnosis to be made, then the roller coaster of re learning everything begins. Thankfully his special education teacher was sent from heaven, she is truly a godsend and I don't know what I would be doing without her.
Well, that is the update as of now. I will keep you guys posted!
Now down to the reason I am kicking myself. Stretch is 14, he has had several diagnoses in the mental health world. ADHD, ODD, Bipolar, just a "bad" kid. Now he is being looked at for High Functioning Autism / Asperger's Syndrome. Finally, an explanation for the past 14 years, the ups, the downs, and everything in between. This could be a turning point. I should have listened when he was 4. His pediatrician that gave him his first med for ADHD tried telling me that he is autistic. He tried telling me, and because I was young and ignorant, I refused it and continued on without giving it another thought. I didn't want to believe it. Autistic? My baby? No, not him. He hit all of his major milestones on time and sometimes early, hey was hyper, he was smart, he could talk, no way in hell was he autistic! Oh boy, how was I wrong, and it only took me 10 years to see it. Better late than never I suppose. Now I have his teachers and his current pediatrician telling me that they see what I have been so willfully blind to all these years. My poor son has an idiot for a mother. So, taking a crash course in high functioning autism. We are all just waiting for the official diagnosis to be made, then the roller coaster of re learning everything begins. Thankfully his special education teacher was sent from heaven, she is truly a godsend and I don't know what I would be doing without her.
Well, that is the update as of now. I will keep you guys posted!
Friday, August 23, 2013
Scatter-brain (And it's a good day!)
This morning I woke up at the usual time, one eye open, searching for my go juice (coffee). Nothing happens, not even conversation, until I have had at least one cup of go juice. After that first cup today it was go time, yep, it's a mania day!! I am on one of my rare, but sometimes welcome, high swings.. here we go. I have been all over the place this morning! Cleaning, taking care of my plants, getting Stretch, Dramatude, and Hubby off to school and work, and brainstorming for this blog. With brainstorming there is a downside, I suddenly can't stay focused on one idea. I get an idea, do some research, the research spawns another idea, do some research on that, and that horrid cycle continues until I have 5,972 tabs open and hundreds more written down on a notepad so I don't forget, if I don't write it down, I WILL forget, and that sucks, because some of my ideas are genius to me.
Anyway, I wanted to talk a little about my personal support system today, and at the end of this another amusing moment from the chronicles of Dramatude. O-K.. 123 and GO! My very close support system, my rocks, consist of now 3 people (it was 4 but 1 passed away in 2010).. my "cuzister" she is truly an angel in disguise in my eyes, she has saved me from myself so many times without even knowing it. She has been my rock since my aunt died, before that she was still one of my rocks, but since that happened, she has become not just a rock, but an entire mountain side that I can lean on. She is always there for me no matter what, she knows I'm totally PCL (psycho crazy loon) but she loves me anyway, and even though she doesn't have the disorders I do, somehow she understands me completely and I have no clue how she does it. I love, cherish, and appreciate her more than she will ever know! #2 is one of my rocker brothers, he struggles just like I do and worse, but we lean on each other frequently, and he knows exactly what I go through because he goes through it to. He is a very important part of my support system, when I don't make sense to the rest of the world, I make sense to him. I love and respect the man he has become, when it comes to mental health, he is truly my inspiration that everything is going to be ok no matter what. #3 is my step mom. She is an amazing lady with an amazing heart. We have had our struggles, but she is a very important part of support too. She is another angel in disguise (although her horns hold her halo up sometimes, hehe). I don't know what I would do without these three very important people, I feel so damn fortunate to have them in my life.
Chronicles of Dramatude
So, last night while telling the kids goodnight and tucking them in Dramatude was in the other room saying goodnight to dad and I was in Stretch's room talking to him. I told him "You know, I love you to the moon and back" He looks at me and says "That's not really that far" I told him "Fine, to the edge of outer space and back" Then we started discussing how far that was, and this is when Dramatude walks in. When she walks in she says "Well that's not too far, it's over by Benton" and me and Stretch started laughing hysterically. Benton is a town that's about 30 miles from where we live. She does this all the time, she will put her two cents in having absolutely no clue what the conversation was about in the first place. HAHA gotta love her...
Anyway, I wanted to talk a little about my personal support system today, and at the end of this another amusing moment from the chronicles of Dramatude. O-K.. 123 and GO! My very close support system, my rocks, consist of now 3 people (it was 4 but 1 passed away in 2010).. my "cuzister" she is truly an angel in disguise in my eyes, she has saved me from myself so many times without even knowing it. She has been my rock since my aunt died, before that she was still one of my rocks, but since that happened, she has become not just a rock, but an entire mountain side that I can lean on. She is always there for me no matter what, she knows I'm totally PCL (psycho crazy loon) but she loves me anyway, and even though she doesn't have the disorders I do, somehow she understands me completely and I have no clue how she does it. I love, cherish, and appreciate her more than she will ever know! #2 is one of my rocker brothers, he struggles just like I do and worse, but we lean on each other frequently, and he knows exactly what I go through because he goes through it to. He is a very important part of my support system, when I don't make sense to the rest of the world, I make sense to him. I love and respect the man he has become, when it comes to mental health, he is truly my inspiration that everything is going to be ok no matter what. #3 is my step mom. She is an amazing lady with an amazing heart. We have had our struggles, but she is a very important part of support too. She is another angel in disguise (although her horns hold her halo up sometimes, hehe). I don't know what I would do without these three very important people, I feel so damn fortunate to have them in my life.
Chronicles of Dramatude
So, last night while telling the kids goodnight and tucking them in Dramatude was in the other room saying goodnight to dad and I was in Stretch's room talking to him. I told him "You know, I love you to the moon and back" He looks at me and says "That's not really that far" I told him "Fine, to the edge of outer space and back" Then we started discussing how far that was, and this is when Dramatude walks in. When she walks in she says "Well that's not too far, it's over by Benton" and me and Stretch started laughing hysterically. Benton is a town that's about 30 miles from where we live. She does this all the time, she will put her two cents in having absolutely no clue what the conversation was about in the first place. HAHA gotta love her...
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