The narcissistic, the Asperger's teen, and bipolar me.

Stretch is now 15, with Asperger's and bipolar like his momma. The hubs is a narcissistic man. If we aren't the trio from the world of difficult, I don't know what is. Stretch has been on this Ebay kick wanting to sell all of his stuff (mostly broken) and I keep trying to tell him that it's not that simple, but oh no, he knows better than me. When I put my foot down and tell him to stop because he doesn't understand how it works, and nobody is going to buy broken stuff, he gets mad at me like I just killed a puppy or something. Hubs doesn't know about the Ebay kick Stretch is on. There are just some things that it's better that he doesn't know.

I have learned that when dealing with hubs, I have to get the kid gloves out along with the candy coating. The best way that I've learned to deal with him is to make him think he's in control and everything is his idea. That's the best I can do for now. My therapist is helping me with ideas to help too.

My mom is another worry of mine. A couple of  weeks ago she kept getting dizzy and falling and hitting her head. Then last week she had a seizure (grand mal) because she forgot to take her meds for a few days, so her Dilantin levels were 0. This time my brother was there to see how bad she is. I've been trying to tell him for over a year and I don't know if he didn't believe me or what, but he never took me seriously. Now that he's seen her for himself, he is concerned. I don't think my mom has a whole lot of time left, and because of her health, there is no company that will insure her for life insurance. Yesterday though, I was telling my therapist about all of this and she had a genius idea. She said to get a hold of a crematorium or funeral home after speaking to my brother about it, and start making payments on cremation now, that way when she does pass it won't be such a financial burden for me since I am the eldest of her children and the next of kin. Great idea! Morbid to think about and do, but I can't get life insurance on her, so that is the only option I have.

Some articles I found helpful for dealing with a narcissist.

In my previous couple of posts, I have been talking about the hubs being a narcissist and how to deal with him, because I do love him and our family together, so for me, giving up is not an option. I am actually very surprised at the volume of articles and documents that I have waded through that have said to just leave. To me that is the cowards way out and not a solution at all, UNLESS there is abuse present in the relationship, then by all means, yes, run as fast as you can. Here are 3 sites that gave some positive coping and resolution suggestions, 2 of the sources surprised me, and I think they will surprise you too.

1. http://www.idiotsguides.com/static/quickguides/selfhelp/coping-with-a-narcissistic-partner-or-spouse.html

2. http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Narcissistic-Husband

3. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/27/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist/

These were the first 3 that I found helpful. I will keep looking and researching though because just 3 sites for suggestions don't cut it for me.

Narcissistic spouse articles online.

Last night I spent a good hour or so clicking on Google links for the narcissistic spouse search and reading the articles. To be frank, a lot of them really ticked me off. Even the ones from "psychology" sites gave me no hope or guidance. Most of them said "run" or that the narcissistic spouse is "usually" physically abusive, so just cut and dry leave the relationship. This made me see red! How can someone write an article that is meant to help people deal with difficult relationships, tell them that there is no hope so just leave? How is that a solution? Breaking families apart due to something that is so workable? I'm not saying that dealing with a narcissist is easy by no means, but don't break your family apart just because you happen to be married to one. Learn ways to cope, and work on your relationship together. As I have said before though, narcissists need to be handled with kid gloves due to their huge egos.

My suggestions according to what I have learned is to make them think they are the one that came up with the idea (works wonders with my hubs). On the rare occasion that they do give you credit for something, and I know this may sound counter productive, but thank them for the credit making sure that they look better by giving you the credit. Like I said HUGE EGOS, plus they are men, so that's a double whammy.

All in all, there is still a lot of research I need to do. I will keep you guys posted with any tricks or tips I find along the way

The bipolar and the narcissist relationship.

I know I am bipolar with panic attacks and anxiety as side dishes. Wonderful I know, and I also know that I am not the only one. With my weekly therapy sessions, and the discord in my family with my bipolar/asbergers son and my what I now know to be a narcissist spouse, things are getting difficult. My therapist pointed out a while ago that she thought my hubby was a narcissist, I had heard the word, but didn't really know what that meant. She explained to me that narcissistic people are about themselves, they can love, but on their terms. Hubby never admits if I'm right on anything. My therapist basically said that I have to make everything sound like his idea, and handle him with kid gloves. It's not fair to me or my son. We all love each other as a family though, so I have to learn how to keep peace in the house without going even crazier myself.

So, the first thing I did was look it up on the online dictionary that I use, it has 4 different uses/definitions.

1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself.
2. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self esteem.
3. Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.
4. The attribute of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits.

The one that best fits my situation is number 2. If I were to try to bring this up to hubs he would deny it (therapist says this is normal). So I'm stuck with learning how to live with someone like him and teaching my son how to handle him. The latter is going to be harder because of his issues. There is a plethora of information that just a simple Google search comes up with, so there's lots of reading to do. I will keep you abreast of what I learn about my journey in learning about something I know nothing about at this point.

Wish me luck....

Long time, no see.

It has been quite a while since I've written a single word here, or anywhere else for that matter. I didn't have internet for a while, so there's one reason, and damn it, I just wasn't in the mood. Depression played a factor in it too though. It sucks, but it is what it is I suppose. Now I am out of my fog, a little bit anyway, and it's back to the keyboard I go. I have several projects that I've started, that I really need to get working on again. I am at the point to where I am going to play the "what if" game. This is a good game to play to get the creative juices flowing again.

On the bipolar front, I am doing much better. Meds are good, and I'm stabilized for the moment. After years of being unstable and confused about what was going on in my head, I finally feel better. Good. Therapy every week is helping.

I know this first post back is kind of short and sweet, but I would like to ask the blogosphere a question. Throw as many "what if" scenarios at me as you can. Share my blog, let's get things crackin'!

An Excruciating Blast from the Past

So, I have been exploring my writing more and more every day. It soothes me. Verbal vomit can be your best friend at times, or it can be your worst enemy. Either way, it's good to get it all out. I remembered a blog that I had started back in late 2010, surprising as it has been long forgotten. With this writing binge I've been on, I went back to that long forgotten blog. It wasn't very impressive, maybe 5 posts at best, looking back at it though, I had written it at one of my darkest times. At that point I had not been diagnosed with anything, so I didn't really know how dark I was. I want to give you an excerpt of something that was so profound to me that even to this very day, I can not read it without tears flowing.

" In May of 2010 my Aunt (Auntie), who is my best friend and my mother for all intents and purposes, was diagnosed with lung cancer. This absolutely devastated me. I tried to stay optimistic, especially when I talked to her on the phone. She lived in Arkansas and I lived in Michigan. The truth of the matter though was that a part of me inside was dying right along with her as I knew this disease was eating her alive. My other aunt was taking care of her, back and forth to doctors and what not. This killed me, I wanted to be there so badly, but due to finances, kids, and work I was unable to do anything but talk to her on the phone. She fought so hard with the treatments and she always had a smile on her face regardless of how much pain she was in. The treatments worked to a point. The mass in her lungs went away, but not before it spread into her brain, bones, and adrenal glands. There was nothing anyone could do for her but to make sure that she was comfortable and happy. In the beginning of October I had finally gotten the money up to go see her. I called her and told her to hang on a couple more weeks and I would be down there to see her (for what I knew would be the last time). That was on a Friday. Saturday, I talked to her again on the phone and I could barely understand what she was saying, the only thing I could make out was "I love you". My other aunt then got on the phone and said that she had taken a turn for the worse and I should get down there sooner than I had made plans for. That following Monday, she was taken to the hospital because she was swelling in her arms and feet, aspirating, and hardly responsive. By late Monday night, she was in hospice, resting with a morphine drip and no pain. My other aunt called me at midnight and told me to come now, it was time. Tuesday morning, I sent my kids off to school like it was a normal day and started making preparations for an emergency road trip. By about six o'clock that evening we were on the road headed to Arkansas. We got there at about ten the next morning. I met my aunt at her house and had a cup of coffee, after that we went to the hospital. When I walked into the room, I broke down. The woman that I had loved my whole life, the one who hung the moon in my eyes, had wasted away. The treatments had taken all of her hair, and reduced her to skin and bones. Being as she was in hospice, there were no monitors beeping, or ventilators swooshing. Just an oxygen tube by her nose and an IV for her morphine. I stayed with her all day and most of the night until my husband talked me into going back to the house to take a shower and get some rest. Not an hour after we got to the house, hospice called. "Shes marbling" they said, "Shes starting to die" they said. We rushed back to the hospital. When we got there she was stable again and she was not about to die, yet. After that scare, I refused to leave her side, I took it as a sign saying that she needed me there with her, we were the most important thing in each others lives. Everyone else went home to get some much needed sleep. I talked to her through the night, she seemed to hear me because when I spoke to her, she would move, but that was it. She had a guest book in her room that people signed and said some beautiful things to her and about her, I figured it was my turn. I wrote how sorry I was for not being there for her sooner, and how much I would regret that for the rest of my life, and how even though my mother (her sister) is still alive and well, she was my mom, she was my everything and I didn't know how I was going to live without her but me and the kids would be OK and I would make her proud. When I was done writing it I read it to her while I held her hand and wiped away my own tears. I wished so badly that she would just open her eyes and wrap her arms around me, all she did was take a deep breath and squeeze my hand. Then I knew that she heard me. After that I held her hand, not letting go, I wanted her to feel that I was there, and I dozed off. I have no clue how long I was asleep for, all I know is that I woke up with this incredibly strong, indescribable fear that engulfed me like I was being sucked into a black hole. I had to take a break. I went out into the hall, went outside to smoke (stupid under the circumstance, I know). After I had regained my composure, I went back to her bedside to hold her hand for however long she needed me. The morning came and people started coming in again, saying their I'm sorrys, and saying how good of a person she was, and how they loved her, and telling stories about her. I wanted to scream at them and tell them to get out, to stop touching her, to leave us alone. I knew though that she would not have wanted me to act like that, she had taught me better than that. They were just there being nice, but all I could do is cry, and berate them silently for having seen her when I couldn't.  She took her last breath October 28, 2010 at 4:40pm. I was still holding her hand. "

This was the most terrifying and debilitating thing that had ever happened to me. I promised that I would make her proud, and since her death I have rotted away myself. Wishing every day to be with her. I have done nothing. This is why I have decided to write. Maybe if I can write and help even just one person, I can make her proud. When I get depressed, my thoughts always turn to her. Today is one of those days.

Crazy-Sad-Pants

So, Thanksgiving has come and gone. Normally, I would have put my Christmas tree up the day after, however, my moods had other plans. The tree is still not up, and neither am I. The Seroquel is helping tremendously, but that doesn't fix everything. So many stresses. Kids, bills, doctors, hubby, holidays in general; it all just sucks at the moment, and I'm in a funk. I am doing my best to write every day, but that doesn't always happen the way I plan it. Depression sucks.

My therapist came by today. That was nice, she was nice. She always is. Sometimes I think she has some kind of opinion of me, but she's not supposed to. It's only natural though, right? To form an opinion of someone you meet. She seems to be a wonderful person, I would love to have a friend like her. Can't be "friends" with her though because she is my therapist. Where I'm at I don't have any friends, not one. I have several friends across the country in various places, and I love them all, but none here where I'm at. That is sad now that I think of it. Maybe in time, we'll see.

 Kids are home and hubs is on the way, I suppose I should stop writing and focus on, oh I don't know, dinner... such is life.

Until next time.